OHGOD THAT’S RACIST, ROB!

A Discussion on the American Interstate System

Those of us in Southern Illinois know all too well of I-57 (known rather offensively among the Illinois State Police as the “Afro 500″) and it’s long expanses of flat, mostly straight travel, and of the split speed limit that rests upon it (65 for cars, 55 for tractor-trailers). But a recent trip to North Carolina enlightened me to what an interstate can be. I-40 from Tennessee to Asheville starts off with a bang for out-of-staters, with the sight of the Smoky Mountains rising above the early morning fog as you leave Tennessee for the wonderful coastline that is the (still wholly South) state of North Carolina, but crossing the state line towards Asheville is an experience most should dare to have. Sweeping corners, short jaunts in tunnels that move you through and under the foothills of the Smokies, followed by a pleasing 6% downward grade that allows you to stretch out your right leg and make a little use of your left. There’s just one problem. FUCKING FLORIDA DRIVERS WITH TRAILERS THE SIGN SAYS “NO TRUCKS THREE OR MORE AXLES LEFT LANE” BUT THERE YOU FUCKING SIT TOOLING ALONG AT 55 THE SPEED LIMIT’S 70 YOU FUCKS AND YOU WON’T MOVE OVER YOU SENILE OLD BASTARDS A TRAILBLAZER IS STILL A TRUCK EVEN IF THEY ARE WAGONS FOR WATER-BRAINED PARKINSONS SUFFERERS.

When you’ve got your toes in the water and ass in the sand on the many gorgeous beaches of NC’s Atlantic coastline, you’re constantly reminded that you are still very much in The South, mainly by the plethora of cowboy hats planted firmly on the heads of locals bobbing in the waves. Have you ever seen a surfer wearing a ten-gallon hat? I have.

Everything about North Carolina seems to forcefully remind you (nearly at gunpoint) that you are in the South, none of this Yankee bullshit thank-you-very-much. Locals speak with a drawl, there’s more fucking corn (I did not drive one thousand miles to see MORE FUCKING CORN son of a bitch), and most of the radio stations are country stations. Which give away free PBR. Let me repeat that: THE RADIO STATIONS IN NORTH CAROLINA GIVE AWAY FREE PABST BLUE RIBBON. All we get here’s a shitty t-shirt and maybe a CD if we’re lucky.

And remember the old joke, folks. “What’s the difference between North and South Carolina? One’s a bastion of education, a cultural focal point with a rich heritage and attractive women, and the other’s South Carolina.”

Every road in North Carolina (have I typed “North Carolina” enough for you?) is, to a poor enthusiast shackled with the straight and level roads of the Midwest, an ecstatic mix of high-speed sweepers and tight height-change off-camber corners with just enough straights put in to make use of those brakes. Even if I was driving a 2004 Neon (and then a 1971 Ford Capri, which was much more fun, even if I had to leave it there [for now]).

Tennessee is, in stark contrast, somehow unfun in the arrangement of roads and highways that cross within it. The state line seems like a rendition of the Iron Curtain; Tennessee is the beer gut to North Carolina’s beer commercial. The switch from the stunning gas station attendants of Carolina to the toothless wonders of Tennessee is jarring, to say the least, which lends credence to my feelings of wanting to stay in North Carolina for the rest of my life oh my god this state is fucking perfect I never want to leave ever oh shit state line.

Too long; didn’t read: NORTH CAROLINA NORTH CAROLINA NORTH CAROLINA NORTH CAROLINA NORTH CAROLINA FUCK FLORIDA

THE DEATH OF JENNIFER SISKO AND THE DESTRUCTION OF U.S.S. SARATOGA AT WOLF 359

Prints available here.

Forgotten Car Of The Month, Plagiarism Edition: Ford Capri

Long before the Mercury Capri became a lumpy Miata competitor, or an ersatz Mercury version of the Ford Mustang, the original Capri was one of the first members of a revolutionary new class of cars in the early 1970s–the Super Coupes.

The term Super Coupes was actually a Car & Driver invention that didn’t really catch on, but as a class descriptor, it’s pretty solid. With the early 1970s neutering of muscle cars, a lighter, more efficient, and more agile class of sports coupes beckoned, and most of the manufacturers responded with light, sporty, inexpensive runabouts.

This is not to imply that Super Coupes were supercars. Far from it–it’s admittedly unfair to judge them by today’s standards, but none of the Super Coupes would have a prayer of staying in sight of a clapped-out Kia Spectra5. Consider the fact that a 1972 Car & Driver test of the available Super Coupes included such legendary sporting machines as the Ford Pinto, the Chevy Vega, and the original Toyota Celica, and it’s tempting to chuckle and disregard the class.

At the time, though, Super Coupes were deeply exciting. In an apocalyptic era for performance cars, Super Coupes were tossable and fun, and wouldn’t bleed you dry at the fuel pump. And many, like the Capri, Opel Manta, Mazda RX-3, and Volkswagen Scirocco were extremely good-looking and mechanically interesting.

The Capri was one of the earliest and, to my eyes, the prettiest of the class, boasting classic long-hood-short-deck proportions, Ford-of-Europe chassis and powerplant, and scale-model Mustang looks. Later special editions, one black with gold trim, another with a huge, fanciful body kit, helped drive home the basic attractiveness of the Capri and its very similar offspring, the Capri II.

As mentioned above, the Capri would later become a subservient ugly cousin of the Mustang, but in the 1970s the Capri did at least have its moment in the sun. The Capri II and Mustang II were completely different cars, but of similar dimensions–and the Capri was comprehensively the superior automobile.

The Capri’s importance goes well beyond its crushing of the lowly Mustang II, though. For one thing, it was one of the earliest and best of an influential new class of cars. For another, even after its short stint in America, the Capri went on to ongoing hero car status across the pond, with various high-performance special editions and a sterling motorsports career. The apex was an especially pretty version of the Capri that performed well in the elite German DTM touring car series.

The Super Coupes, and, by extension, the Capri, are not well-remembered, but the legacy lives on. Eventually gas dropped in price, horsepower came creeping back, and enthusiasts had more and better options for their performance dollar. Many of those options were relatively light, agile, vitamin-fortified front- and all-wheel-drive coupes. Sound familiar? The newer, hotter Toyota Celicas, the Honda Prelude, and Acura Integra, the Mitsubishi Eclipse and Eagle Talon, the Subaru SVX, the Mazda MX-6, and the Ford Probe (another short-lived Mustang alternative) could all trace their bloodlines to the original Super Coupes.

[This marks the beginning of FCotM becoming a when-I-write-it rather than I'll-write-it-once-a-month article).