And so it seems I’m someone I’ve never met…

4:00 in the morning and there’s no one to talk to.  I hate feeling so alone, but I guess it’s inevitable at this time of night/morning.  Today was generally awful.  I know there’s no sense in fighting it, but I hate the way that people change. 

Two years ago, I was getting ready to go  to my freshman year of college, to move into a dorm, with people I had never met, and begin a new chapter of my life.  I was happy, I had a boyfriend, I was hopeful…things were good.

One year ago, I was single, my dad was unemployed, my mother had left, I was still getting ready to move in, and I was an absolute mess about her absence.  I was confused and hurt and felt betrayed and abandoned.  I worried that I would be permanently scared by her actions.  I worried that no matter how happy I tried to be, that people would look into my eyes and see the sadness deep down that I tried to hide.

Today, I feel so very empty.  Things have improved, yes.  But my mother is still gone.  And I think that the mother that I remember, the sweet and naive woman who would do arts and crafts with me, will never come back.  At least, not in my eyes.  This new woman is just a tease, a shadow of the mother that I once had.  She does and says hurtful things that nearly rip me in half every time I see/hear them, because they are a constant reminder to me that no matter how much I wish for my mom to come back, to be the woman she once was, that she never will.  I am still single, and I guess that’s for the best.  I can’t seem to find a guy who I am simultaneously interested in and who isn’t a jerk, so (for now) I’ll stay single.

I am getting ready to move back in to the dorm, and I look forward to it as a form of escape.  I pray that getting away and getting back into the dorm with the girls who I now love like sisters will be somewhat theraputic to me.  They are such a relief to me.  They have always been so supportive of me, and have always listened to me when I needed it. 

I feel generally out of place nowadays.  Nobody seems to need me.  My dad has someone to talk his problems through with, my brother has always been very strong…I hope that this year at school I am able to find some other ways to keep myself occupied.  My art classes should help, getting a job should help, being around my ’sisters’ should help.  I guess I can only hope for the best and see what happens.

Oh, and for those of you who were keeping track, I told Kyle that I wanted him to back off.  I felt like a total bitch afterwards, but I had to do it.  I just hope I wasn’t too mean.